358.

malibu barbie facejob

I’m not the superstitious type. Well I am like the non-superstitious, superstitious type. I’ll walk on three drains. I’ll do it. But I’ll be thinking “..ooh perhaps I shouldn’t have done that”. I will look at the time, it’s 11:11 – what could it mean?! Absolutely nothing. But I shall sit and ponder that. I won’t look up my horoscope daily, but if I am reading a magazine I will check for it. I’ve a great memory for birthdays – whilst I am at it, I will check the horoscope for people I don’t like. I wouldn’t wish anyone bad. But I would wish them inconvenience or annoyance. In the interests of equality, I have written horoscopes for you all for this up coming month.

Aries: Don’t bother buying a lottery ticket this month. They will accidentally charge you twice and you won’t win a sausage.

Taurus: I will give you this as warning, but I would hate to ruin the surprise. At some point this month, a bird will shit on your head.

Gemini: Careful where you sit. You will end up with chewing gum stuck on the arse crack of your jeans. Good luck getting that one out, will take more than a bag of frozen peas.

Cancer: Everything will be mediocre.

Leo: You will go on Embarrassing Bodies, you will get it out and Dr Whatshisface will tell you unfortunately that is a rash you will be stuck with.

Virgo: You will have a wonderful birthday and a good hair day that will last you the whole month of September.

Libra: You will be really good but you will still gain 10lbs.

Scorpio: Everytime you watch The Simpsons, it will be a repeat. By the end of this month you will be able to quote the entire episode verbatim.

Sagittarius: Your umbrella will break just when you need it the most.

Capricorn: You will receive an above average number of backhanded compliments. You will not know what to think of these and you will be left feeling bewildered.

Aquarius: That taste is not going to go away no matter how much mouthwash you swig. Just accept it, this is you now.

Pisces: Just don’t bother.

There are so many more star signs than I realised. I sometimes wonder if my talents are wasted..

16 thoughts on “358.

  1. Aquarius: That taste is not going to go away no matter how much mouthwash you swig. Just accept it, this is you now

    You’ve summed my whole life up in one succinct sentence and I love it.

    1. Yeah September is looking a good month for those lucky Virgos. Not sure, it’s what the Stars have said. I may be.. Yes – what makes you ask that..?!

  2. Love the latest picture. So you’ll not be needing a new career soon, but if you did, Astrologer to the masses is undoubtedly another talent.

    1. Thanks Andy! I’ll have to think of an equivalent name to Mystic Meg. Psychic Sez?

  3. Gosh – thanks for the heads-up…I think?! I’ve gone all these days this month without a bird encounter. Maybe not knowing my Taurean fate has been my saving grace. But isn’t it supposed to be good luck?

    1. Oh no problem. Well you know, every cloud is supposed to have a silver lining and all that jazz!

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